Salman Akhtar, MD, recently gave a lecture on some of the origins of generosity. His frame of reference was the stages of development according to Psychoanalytic thought. Although Dr Akhtar did not mention the “oral stage,” we can safely assume, since basic trust is established in that phase, that the ground is laid there for the experience of receiving love, without which it seems impossible to give love in return.
In the “anal stage”, the task of which is toilet training, the little one goes in the toilet “to make mom happy.” He/she also learns that “not everything about me is good.” I’m not entirely certain that the good doctor was referring to odors emanating from one’s productions, but you can bet on the fact that that is a universal phenomenon. Except perhaps in Japan where I hear that they have pills that remove odor from one’s digestive waste products as they move through the body. That and mochi makes me want to pack for a trip to Japan right now. Also those toilets that wash and dry you and practically do your laundry…
So I learn as a 2-3 yr. old that I have to give up some of my own needs to make someone happy. I learn to give up, to comply, and to give. When I get to the “Oedipal stage” around 4 yrs. old, I am subject to a shock: I am not just connected to Mom and connected to Dad. They are also connected to each other. And I am excluded! I must learn to bear the pain that my mother and father are already married. I learn that I must give them their time.
These are the developmental origins of generosity: attainment of basic trust, learning that not everything about me is good, and in order to receive connection with loved ones, I must give some things up.