What is “love” anyway? Yes, certainly, it is the thrill of the locked eyes, the feeling of “I just knew!” It is also supportive commitment despite the inevitable discovery of differences and disappointments. How do we get from point A to point B?
“…In spite of our belief that what we seek in romantic love is something new and different, in fact we are searching for something that is old and familiar: idealized mother love. Just as we expect mother love to be the nearest thing to perfection on earth, so, too, do we make these same demands on romantic love.”
“Romantic love is blind because it thrives on fantasy and illusion; it looks inwardly at one’s own hopes and desires rather than at the reality of who the other person is. Since the lovers don’t really know each other, romantic love is a perfect, idealized love, imagined to fulfill what ever it is that we feel we need or want the most. But such an imaginative love is fragile. When the truth is fully exposed, there is a tendency to flee. We experience shock and disappointment, even rage… When we discover the complete, unvarnished truth about our beloved-their imperfections and their all-too-human traits-we feel betrayed by both our lover and our love.”
“The challenge of…marriage is to find a way to accept all parts of [ourselves] and each other, and not to put into destructive action the pains and hurts and disappointments… It is only when the ‘in-loveness’ of romantic projections ends that cooperative love-the love between two separate identities-can begin.”
That’s a start!
J.G. Goldberg, 1999. “The Dark Side of Romantic Love.” The Dark Side of Love, (pp. 173-196). New Brunswick: Transaction Publisher.